I've been
married for a long time and my marriage is nearly perfect so...
KIDDING.
Jared and
I have been married for a little over 2 years and our marriage is far from
perfect. That's why these next tips are not coming from me. Lydia Netzer posted this list in April. I somehow
stumbled upon it and I've gone back to it several times since then. I love it.
Not because I agree with all of it (because I don't), but because it's real,
it's funny, it's unexpected. I mean how many people tell you to go to bed mad?
Anyway, I've listed each tip below and included my thoughts on each- but head
over to Lydia's blog for detailed
descriptions and reasoning behind each tip. If you don't learn something,
you'll at least laugh.
1. Go to bed mad. I don't
necessarily agree with this but I do think it's needed sometimes. When there's
an argument you don't have to fix it at that exact moment. I struggle with
that. I constantly feel the need to fix things and can't stand any tension.
Sometimes it's just best to leave things alone until things calm down and everyone
has time to think.
2. Laugh if you can. Always
laugh. What's the point of anything if you're not having fun? Even in the
toughest situations, laughter can make things not seem as bad. On one of our
first dates, I broke the cooler at the beach so we lost our food for a picnic.
Then, it started pouring rain on us. I could have cried. He could have yelled
at me. But we laughed. It was one of the best dates we've ever had.
3. Don't criticize. Ever. Well
obviously this is a hard one. Most of us don't think before we speak
(especially around people that we love and are comfortable around) and end up
blurting out when something is bothering us. While I do think that you should
be open about something bothering you, I think that words need to be chosen carefully.
4. Be the mirror. Lydia wrote
"Be a mirror that reflects something positive..". He values your
opinion. He'll believe what you say. If you're constantly nagging and telling
him there's something wrong with him, he's going to believe it. Tell him he's
sexy. Tell him he's strong. Tell him he makes you happy. When he sees you,
he'll start to see those positive things too.
5. Be proud and brag. This
is easy for me because I am in fact proud of my husband. Besides the major
accomplishments in his life, I'm proud of the little things that he does too.
And I like to brag. Like I did here. I'll often post a facebook
status or send a text to his parents bragging about something that he did that
made me so proud. It used to bother him.. I think he wasn't used to the
attention. But now, I can see how much he appreciates it.
6. Do your own thing. You're
into blogging and he's into hunting. That's fine. It's ok to have different
hobbies and it's ok if your spouse doesn't love something that you love. I love
how Lydia said that her husband would say she is the "best writer since
the dawn of time" because Jared would probably say the same thing about
me, even though I guarantee he rarely reads anything that I write. But the
point is that he supports me and the things that I love.. even if he doesn't
love the same things. Anyway, how fun would your relationship be if you two
like all of the exact same things?
7. Have kids. I would revise
this one to "have kids or own a dog" or something like that... The
original post listed this because kids tame you and don't let you get as crazy
as you may without them. I think our dog did that though... and maybe older age
too :)
8. Get really good at sex. I
mean you're going to be having sex with the same person for the rest of your
life. You might as well perfect the art, right?
9. Move. I agree with this. Keep things
interesting. Even if you can't move homes, travel. See your spouse in a
different light, in different cities, in a different setting. You might see him
in ways you hadn't before.
10. Stop thinking temporarily. I'm
getting better at this. I admit that at the beginning of our marriage I was
worried at the slightest disagreement. We would disagree about something minor
and I would think "oh crap.. what if this impacts our marriage? what if
he leaves me because of this?". Stop. Don't think like that. Marriage
is forever. Through the good and the (really really) bad, it will be easier
knowing that your marriage will stay together, no matter what.
11. Do not put yourself in trouble's way. Delete your exes from your life. That guy at work who flirts
with you? Stay away. That slutty single girlfriend that you have? Maybe getting
trashed with her at a bar isn't a good idea. I'm not saying that all of these
things are required for a healthy marriage. I am saying that if you smell
trouble, stay away. Why make things harder than they could be?
12. Make a husband pact with your friends. He's going to piss you off and there are going to be days
when you say things about him that you don't mean. You need at least one friend
that understand that. She'll listen and agree when you bitch about him and then
once you make up, she'll act like it never happened.
13. Bitch to his mother, not yours. I
don't quite understand this one yet. Maybe I'm just not at that level with my
mother in-law yet. I don't feel comfortable bitching to anyone about my husband
really, not even my own mom.. I don't ever want him to be seen in a negative
light.
14. Be loyal. You're a team.
It's you two against the world. Make your partner feel that way. One of the
most comforting things in the world to me is knowing that no matter what kind
of craziness life brings, Jared will be by my side.
15. Trust the person you married. "If
it all goes to seed, it's going to hurt either way. Better to have gone into it
full throttle. Full throttle marriage is a thrilling ride." She's right.
Sometimes it is harder to be loved than to love. Remember that he made a
commitment too. He said those same vows. You expect him to trust you so it's only
fair for you to trust him. How can you expect to love with your whole heart if
you still have it guarded? Trust him.
Like I
said, I'm not an expert on marriage. And I do think that all marriages are
different which means that different things will work for different marriages.
Here are some things that I would add to this list.
+ Do at least one thing together everyday. Jared and I eat dinner with each other and go to bed
together every single night unless there's some weird circumstance. It might seem
silly or small but it really makes a difference. It's at least one thing that I
can count on happening everyday. It's when we can fill each other in on our
day. These are my favorite times of the day.
+ Don't expect your spouse to read your mind. I am still learning to do this. Remember when I told you
about our first Valentine's Day together?
That's a perfect example. Instead of being direct with Jared about my
Valentine's Day expectations, I told him I didn't want to celebrate it. So we
did just that-- didn't celebrate Valentine's Day... and I was upset. It sounds
pretty ridiculous now that I'm talking about it. How could I be mad at him for
doing exactly what I said I wanted? What a girl-like thing for me to do, huh?
He can't read your mind just like you can't read his. Be direct. You'll be
surprised at how many times his response will be "ok, no problem. why
didn't you just tell me?". Simple as that.
+ Find each other's strengths and weaknesses. And then, work with it! This goes back to what I said
earlier about being a team. Birds freak me the eff out. And bugs TERRIFY me. It
may sound crazy to other people but Jared knows how much it freaks me out.
Anytime a bird or bug is near me, he comes to my rescue. Jared is introverted.
He hates forced conversation and will often not be the first one to speak in a
group setting. Because of this, I always try to take the initiative when we're
around people that he's not comfortable with yet. These are just examples of
how we've learned to work together- as a team.
Let's also
note that although this list is called "15 Ways to Stay Married for 15
Years", I'm planning on our marriage lasting a lot longer than that ;)
What would
you add to this list?
Jessica is a writer, marketing & public relations specialist, and the blogger behind Jessica Who?. At her home on the web you'll find a little sarcasm, a love of photography & fashion and most importantly, a new friend. She's a Texas girl her followed her heart to an island (a really awesome Hawaiian island).
